


and i wonder if you miss me too

by imdepresssedd



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Fluff, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, New Year's Eve, New Year's Kiss, Not Actually Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:33:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22078528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imdepresssedd/pseuds/imdepresssedd
Summary: And just like that, the feeling of James's lips crashing against his the minute the clock strikes midnight is Alex's favourite memory of the year that's barely begun.
Relationships: Alex Elmslie/James Marriott
Comments: 13
Kudos: 133





	and i wonder if you miss me too

**Author's Note:**

> we're going to ignore the fact that i chose to make the title of this fic a lyric from a song in Austin & Ally.
> 
> happy new year!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!! wee woo

It's 11pm, an hour before the craziest decade of his life comes to an end and Alex is laying in his bed, messaging app open and staring him in the face. The message he has all typed out and ready to go taunting him.

He finished writing it over half an hour ago, and he still can't find the nerve to send it. It's too long, for one. Too sob story-ish. Too soppy. Too  _ stupid. _

But that's exactly what his feelings for James are. They're soppy, and stupid. They shouldn't exist, but they do and this is the situation they've got him in.

A shaky sigh leaves Alex's lips, and he rereads what he's typed out for what seems to be the 30th consecutive time.

_ James, _

_ One of my New Years resolutions for 2020 is honesty, not just in terms of being honest with others but also with myself. I want to go into the new year being honest with myself and with all the people around me, so here goes: I'm in love with you, James. I'm too much of a coward to say it to your face, but in my defence that probably wouldn't go down too well. I have been for a long time, in love with you that is, and I'm an idiot for letting it happen but I can't go back now. I've tried getting over you, by distancing myself and pushing you away, but it hasn't worked. _

_ I can't go a day without thinking about you. I can't go a day without wanting to kiss you and hold your hand and just be near you. I sound like a 13 year old girl, that's what these feelings reduce me to, it seems like - a fucking teenage girl with a year 9 crush. Except it's so much more than that. _

_ I know you don't feel the same. I know you never will, and that's okay. This isn't about getting myself a happy ending, or trying to gain sympathy. It's about finally getting this off my chest, and starting this new year off without an unbearable weight on my shoulders. Closure, I guess. _

_ you don't need to respond to this, if you don't feel you want to. you might hate me after this, or want to stop seeing me altogether. I'd understand. if you do decide that, just know that I'll always care about you and I understand your decision completely. thank you for making my 2019 amazing. _

_ happy new year, James. _

The message sits there, waiting to be sent. It's too long, Alex thinks, who the  _ fuck  _ is gonna read a text message that's this long in 2019 - hell, 2020. James is partying right now, Alex gathers from all the footage of his stupid smiling face on all their mates' instagram stories. He should be with them right now; drinking, laughing, dancing, counting down the minutes.

He shouldn't be in bed, finger hovering over the send button of a text message that will change everything. Or nothing, and for some reason it's the latter that scares him more.

He rereads his message again, twice. The words are starting to look less like real words, he's read it too much and now it looks even more dumb and incoherent. He sounds like an absolute fucking moron. He doesn't care as he finally does it, hitting the send button after hovering over it for the past 30 minutes.

**_Delivered: 11:07pm, 31/12/19_ **

He immediately closes the app, hands trembling as he sets his phone down on the sheets next to him. He sits up, dangling his legs over the corner of the bed. He doesn't regret it, miraculously. It's exactly what he thought it would be. A weight off his shoulders.

He gets up, leaving his room and the empty apartment. He doesn't know where he's going at first, but finds himself walking the relatively short distance to James and Fraser's place.

James wouldn't have read his text yet. He probably won't until New Years Day, squinting at the words while nursing a hangover. Alex manages a snort, imagining the look on James's face as he reads about how madly in love Alex is with him.

The house is crowded, absolutely brimming with people and more than half of them are hammered. He's greeted warmly by the people who are sober enough to have noticed him walk in. When he's asked why he didn't show up earlier, he says he was asleep. Which is partly true. He'd been asleep before he woke up and spent the better half of an hour typing out a ridiculously long text message confessing his undying love to a friend who is currently at the very party that he's just willingly stepped into.

James's loud laughter reaches his ears from a short distance away and suddenly he feels like he can't breathe. It hits him all at once; James is  _ here.  _ Close but far away enough to not have noticed his presence yet. Alex is standing in the corner of the room, like an idiot, not daring to look up in case he somehow catches his eye.

People talk to him, and he talks back, but he wonders if they can tell his eyes are vacant, that his mouth is dry and he keeps having to lick his lips to moisten them. He wonders if James has seen him yet, if someone's told him he's here. They've been so distant lately, almost too distant - him and James - for multiple reasons. Alex wonders, sometimes, if James is happier now because of it. If Alex was nothing but a weight pulling him down, a burden he needed to rid himself of.

Suddenly, that text feels like a terrible, terrible mistake.

Without thinking any further he's pulling out his phone, ignoring the way his hands shake as he opens the app and swipes to James's contact, ready to unsend the message and -

_ Fuck. _

**_Read: 11:37pm, 31/12/19_ **

It's too late. He's read it.

Alex looks up, eyes wide as he scans the area around him. He can't see James anywhere. Suddenly he feels sick, bile thick in his throat. He can't hear anything except the blood rushing through his veins.

He starts making for the bathroom, heart pounding as his feet pad across the corridor floor that leads to it.

_ He's read it.  _ The voice in Alex's head keeps repeating.  _ He's read it. He's read it. He's read it. _

His face is red hot in the bathroom mirror, his chest heaving.  _ What now?  _ He needs to leave. James probably hasn't even seen him yet and if he's sneaky enough -

"Fraser told me you just got here."

Alex jumps, heart skipping as he turns to face James.  _ Fuck fuck fuck. _

Alex wills himself to just  _ breathe _ \- maybe James  _ didn't _ read it. Maybe he just - opened the message, and thought it was some sort of long winded  _ happy new year  _ chain message and decided to read it properly later. Maybe -

"You know, you are doing far better than I am, to be fair."

Alex frowns.  _ What?  _ "What?"

There's a ghost of a smile on James's face, as he takes a small step closer to Alex and meets his eyes. "I can't even go a  _ minute _ without thinking about you, let alone a  _ day." _

Alex is confused for a second, but only for a second. He had reread his own message to James so many fucking times that he's practically got it memorized now -  _ 'I can't go a day without thinking about you.' _

Alex exhales. He'd been holding his breath without even noticing it. If he thought a weight had been lifted off his shoulders before, he was wrong. Now, it feels like the weight of the whole entire world has melted away - he can  _ breathe. _

"You - you mean that?" he cringes the minute it leaves his mouth. God, he sounds like a  _ child. _

But James is grinning, ear to ear now. He's even closer than he was previously, eyes never leaving Alex's face even when he's lowering his gaze. "You really are such a fucking idiot."

It's not exactly the confession of love that Alex had expected, but it'll do. Alex is thinking about how badly he wants James to just fucking  _ kiss him.  _ He's ready to take matters into his own hands when James seems to do what he does best - read his mind.

"It's less than 20 minutes to midnight," he says, voice barely above a whisper. They're practically nose to nose now, they're so close. "I could kiss you right here, right now, but I'm gonna wait till then."

Alex wants to whine, disagree and say they can kiss now  _ and  _ at midnight too, but then James is taking him into his arms and nothing else in the world matters. It's the first proper hug they've shared in so long that Alex wants to cry. He wraps his arms instinctively around James's neck and fights the inevitable tears. "I love you," James whispers it into his hair. "I can't believe you thought I didn't."

"I love  _ you,"  _ it comes out as a sob.

They walk back into the main party at 5 minutes to midnight. No one really seems to notice their interlocked hands.

The energy in the room is buzzing. Before they know it, everyone's starting to count down from 10. Alex looks up at James, who's looking right back at him.

_ 6 … 5 … 4 … _

The loud voices and blaring music sound muffled as, suddenly, it feels like it's just the 2 of them, alone in the middle of the room.

_ 3 … 2 … 1 - _

And just like that, the feeling of James's lips crashing against his the minute the clock strikes midnight is Alex's favourite memory of the year that's barely begun.

"Happy new year, Alex." It's quiet, compared to the booming fireworks that can be heard a mile off and the commotion going on all around them. Alex hears it anyway, feels the warmth as it spreads across his chest and all over the rest of his body.

"Happy new year, James."

**Author's Note:**

> here's to more alex/james collabs in 2020 ~manifest~
> 
> no but seriously i Miss them together so much and i hope we get more content of the 2 of them this year 🥺


End file.
